I Will Never Know Who I Am
I don’t ever want to know exactly who I am.
I don’t think it’s realistic, and I don’t think I really want that to be my life-long quest. Let me explain…
You know when you were younger and the only things you really ever wanted to know were:
“Who am I?”
“Who will I be when I ‘grow up?’”
I mean, you also wanted to know where you would go to college, and who liked you, and why your bestie wasn’t talking to you.
But at the core was this over-arching question of who you were. At least for me, I can tell you this is true.
Then fast-forward to your college years.
Those were the years of figuring out that elusive question. You were 22, graduating college and you knew who you were.
But then, you got out of your safe-haven of college. Out of the place where you were given a schedule and friends with the same socioeconomic status and a variety of (a ton of) activities to do at your fingertips, choices on interest and fun and growth just given to you. You were free to be. Free to do.
You had all these opportunities. But when you left (or, if you’re still there, when you leave), what now?
Fueled with the knowledge of who you are, you were ready to conquer.
Guess what, then? Every time you became excited about an opportunity, and got shot down, you were taken back:
What? Why? This is what I want. This is who I am.
Then you have another life milestone: A first love. A break-up. A family emergency. A change of heart. A move across the country.
And you change.
And you discover.
I changed. I discovered.
And with every step, I became less certain. But I also became more interested to learn, more excited to discover.
Instead of knowing who I am, I want to know what my values are.
I want to know how far I will go to fulfill my own visions.
I want to know what I will accept in my life, and what I will stand tall and say, “That’s enough.”
My (current!) values are stuck to my computer. Named and Post-It-noted:
- Am I being true to myself? Am I making myself proud? That's important. More important than what I achieve.
- Is this showing that I care about myself? Self love is essential to me. If I don't have love for myself, nothing else in my life is worth my energy.
- I have all this energy, and I want to do a million things all at once. But can I have focused energy and make one thing really great?
Life, as I know it, changes. I will feel down, and doubtful, and also excited and full of love.
Through it all – all the lessons, the heartbreak, the highs and lows – I hope to maintain my values and integrity. I hope to grow, and never fully know who I am.
I hope to learn and discover and learn to ask the right questions.
What do you think?
Do you want to know who you are, or what's your life-long question?
Let me know below!